magyar_saman: (Default)
The gas man finally got out here today and turned the gas on. Everything works except for the furnace; it's missing the thermal coupler. That can be set aside till closer to fall.

I called Blanca today - it turns out the lil shit who showed up on Friday was supposed to replace our faucet, not just look at it. He also didn't mount my door and he was supposed to do that too. She's sending someone tomorrow morning between 8 and 9.

JR had come by this weekend. Nothing much has been unpacked but he rearranged things so that we now have a nice open area and all boxes can be reached.

This weather has been driving my body nuts. Last week it was 110; today it got up to only 85 and it was 57 last night. I went to bed feeling ill but I feel better today.
magyar_saman: (Kali  Kitty - from <lj user="chaoticerot)
I am calling this "the lost week" simply because it was too damned hot to do anything, even indoors.

It got SO hot early in the week (high on Monday was 110) that the swamp cooler was overwhelmed and no matter what you did, it was warm in the house. The thermometer on my little window a/c unit in the bedroom was reading mid-to-high 80s.

Then, the monsoonal moisture moved in, and the humidity shot up outside - once again defeating the swamp cooler. I was cool but damp all over.

Then this evening the weather switched entirely and my joints all said UGH, as well as my sinuses.

Sandy is hopefully coming over tomorrow and he and M can start sorting out the jumble of belongings occupying our living and dining room. I don't anticpate doing very much because just thinking about it makes my back hurt (literally).
magyar_saman: (Default)
Yesterday was horrendous. It was 110F out there, and our swamp cooler just got overwhelmed.

On top of it we thought two of our cats had escaped. We had a piece of cardboard wedged in the window next to the air conditioner in my room and when Michael came to turn it on early in the afternoon, the cardboard was on the floor. I did a couple of turns around the house in the heat and it didn't take much to overwhelm me. Thankfully, both were still in the house. Smart kitties!

We haven't unpacked much yet, between trying to heal and the heat. Hopefully we can get to more of it soon.

Right now it is a refreshing 93F outside with rain moving in. Been praying for the rain, because it'll break this hot spell.

Other than that, I've been slowly healing from the move. Sleeping a lot. Chilling a lot. Watching the neighbors from our tiny porch (it's big enough for one small chair).

I had to laugh yesterday. I was out there, having a cig, when the neighbor's puppy decided to visit me. He's really goofy, looks like some sort of akita mix, with blue eyes; his right eye looks goofed up. Other than the eyes, he's coal black with a white spot on the chest. He sits on my little porch and literally leans against the wall. I had to yell to the kids to come get him.

A little while later, one of the boys came and knocked on my door to ask me if I had a son (obviously to come play with them). I was sad to tell him I don't.

Taking it easy today after sleeping over 12 hours and hoping the rain washes away the heat wave.
magyar_saman: (raven)

I really miss this guy and it's too bad there isn't a show like this on TV nowadays for kids to make happy memories with...


May. 13th, 2012 11:24 pm
magyar_saman: (Default)
Today I spent thinking about how things change, how they stay the same, and how I don't feel as old as I am.

As of Tuesday, I'll be 52. "52" to me is old, stodgy, prudish. I'm none of those things and I doubt I ever will be. I look at my face in the mirror and ask "How did you get this old? Why does it feel like you've missed out on so much?"

I feel like I have so much more life to live...and, as long as I am walking this earth, I plan to live it.

That is...once I get a high-and-mighty bitch off my back. I have been avoiding wrangling with the credit bureaus after finding out that nothing I paid off cleared in a month as expected. It really twists my nose out of shape that they're quick to slap a debt on there and so damned slow (if ever) to take it off.

I think "How did I get here in this situation?" There are times I regret moving out of my house in Green Bay. I could've refinanced the mortgage, paid off all of my bills, put in new windows and a new garage door, put on a roof, and had Keith re-floor the kitchen and living room for me. That house was MINE and nobody could take it away...not like now. I guess the only thing that can be said is I got taken advantage-of and the nightmare isn't over, yet.

Never, since I purchased my first house in 1986, have I faced a situation where I could be thrown out of my house. Not. Once. I've always paid my housing, above and beyond any other bill I had. I have three paid-off mortgages under my belt.

But none of that matters, now. I wanted to move out west and I'm here. I got caught in a tough situation in 2006 and ended up the victim of a predatory lender, who borrowed money to purchase this place when he already owned it. Instead of working out a deal with me, he elected to foist this place off on the person he conned the money out of, and even though she doesn't have clear title to it, she thinks she can evict me.

Security has always been a central issue for me, starting back in my teens. I wasn't so much affected by my father skipping out on us, as by my mother suddenly becoming a raging, violent alcoholic. She'd always been my anchor in chaos and when she turned on me, I lost that. Even so, I didn't start displaying PTSD symptoms till after Rhod pulled what he did on me. He came home on a Wednesday and handed me his paycheck as usual. He came home the following night and informed me he was moving out and he needed the check back so he could rent a place. Just. Like. That. I found out later it was because his girl-on-the-side refused to part her legs till he moved out on me. Then I found out even later that he'd married me because all his friends told him not to.


I became a hermit for the next 4 years and about the only person I saw was my friend Keith, who refused to let me remain a hermit. Of course, when I stopped being a hermit I was thrown into another bad situation, but that's another story. Let's put it this way: Nobody gets to sit me on a chair and belittle me in front of others, ever again. Nobody gets to trap me and try to force me to make a decision in their favor, ever again.

Then there was M and T. M and I had stopped any sort of physical relationship pretty much since right before I moved west, but a part of me still hoped that something would change. Then T came along, and got invited in, and got everything I'd sat and hoped-for for the past some-odd years. I was devastated. I was angry. I was jealous, and I had cause. It threw me into such a state that my online relationship suffered and then fell apart. Suddenly I was alone and didn't feel I had anyone. Again. PTSD? That's an understatement.

Yes, I came through it and yes, M and I are still companions, albeit without any physical romance. Yes, I got back together with my online beau. Things sailed along just fine until we were dumb enough to put up the Oathbreaker, who then proceeded to steal us blind.

I am still angry over the loss of my family's years-long collection of silver coins but I know I'll never see them again.

Then, just as soon as we get rid of her for good, here comes the Holier-than-Thou-Runs-Off-To-Help-Impoverished-In-Mexico. Obviously she was "taken care of" from her birth all the way through her marriage, because she doesn't have a lick of horse sense. Yes, she ran off and joined the Peace Corps in her 60s, but so what? For all intents and purposes, she did it for the prestige. She may think of herself as altruistic but that altruism ends when it comes to a low-income, disabled person right under her own nose. I tried to work with the woman but because she doesn't have clear title to this mobile home, we were advised to ignore her. Well...she got herself one of the worst lawyers in the area and decided to sue to evict me from a house she doesn't even own. When her lawyer began his harassment I was thrown into PTSD again like there's no tomorrow, until I realized that the papers he was pasting on our front door weren't worth the ink they were printed with. And I am, and I will lose this house. I could fight for it and probably win, but why? Crack in the roof lets in rain and now there's mold in M's closet. The toilet in the front bathroom was never repaired correctly, resulting in some minor floor damage and a toilet that has to be flushed with a bucket. The cheap carpeting they put on the front steps wore out within a couple of years, and has had to be cut off and prepped for painting. I could go on, but what's the point?

The only point I hoped to make is that my basic security has been an issue for me for most of my life and no matter how many antidepressants I take or counseling I get, it always will be, until I am finally, once again, in a house I can call mine that isn't going to be taken away as long as I pay the mortgage...which I will always do, faithfully.

I do miss green. I was looking at a friend's pictures from Oshkosh, WI and sighing because everything is moist and green. I sincerely wish we could move somewhere where I can have that again but chances are we're going to either stay in this park or move to the one two parks down. Still in the desert, where everything is pretty much brown. I want green. I can still remember my friend from San Diego coming to visit us in Wisconsin years ago and remarking, time and again, how green everything was.

Ah well...I'm off to play a game. Enough thinking for one night.
magyar_saman: (Default)
Changes in a person's life can happen rather quickly if one is open to them, including changes in perception and outlook.

I unhid the entry on the Solstice Eclipse, because the information on it is very pertinent to what is happening with me, right now. They should've bolded the portion about communication happening in the waning days, because it is very critical and one must take baby steps to make it right.

This time of year is traditionally one of giving, but it can also be one of cleansing, forgiveness, and new beginnings. I feel as though I am experiencing all of it, and it is a wonder to me as it unfolds.

I am a faulted person, just like anyone else. I strive to identify and work on my faults, and I've found fault in myself over the past few days that has bothered me a great deal. In my effort to do what's right, to fight for everyone's right to be unabused and happy, I have left out one important factor in the formula: Forgiveness.

Sometimes it isn't easy to forgive. We as human beings tend to hang onto wrongs done, whether real or perceived. It takes a lot of strength to examine the things we hang onto and decide whether hanging onto them is really worth it, or if doing so hurts ourselves and those we love.

I have been blessed by someone who has let go things I thought they'd hang onto, and has given me the chance to prove that I, too, am forgiving, and that I truly know how to express love. This is not an easy process and I hope the person involved can also find their way to pay me the grace of forgiveness.

I have a list of philosophy at the top of this journal, and it is there probably more for my benefit than anyone else's. These are things I've learned in the journey of my life, that can lead to self-happiness as well as bringing happiness to others. I must never forget that I have to make things right inside of myself before I can hope to bring anything to anyone else.

There are eyes who will read this and wonder if it's really true. Doors were opened to me on the Eclipse, that not only revealed things to me about others, but also revealed things to me about myself, about my motivations, my desires, where I want to go in this life, and what I want to bring to the world in general. It's caused a major shift inside of me and is leading to a great deal of healing on all levels of my existence.

When the Gods talk, I listen, even if I don't always comprehend what it is They want of me or what They bring to me. I feel I've come far enough in my life that I've developed some sense of self-preservation, so no, I am not as gullible as I used to be - but at the same time, I have tended to go too far in the other direction. Such is the dilemma of an adult child of alcoholics: We tend to deal in extremes of one kind or another. It has been a lifelong process (and still is) learning how to keep that from happening.

I am being presented with a lot of "information" from the various planes of my existence, and it's going to be a long process to listen, learn, and integrate. I am going to make mistakes along the way. I am hoping those who love me will understand that my basic motivation is one of kindness, love, and generosity, so if I slip up, don't hold my feet to the fire. Please remember that I am just human.


magyar_saman: (Default)

November 2012

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